Lists
by Luckysparkle
Summary: Wesley makes a few lists and trys to cope. Set after Salvage WL


Title: Lists

Author: Luckysparkle  
**Beta:** Brandy  
**Pairing:** Wes/Lilah

**Disclaimer: Not mine, at all, not in any shape or form, not now, not ever.  
****Set:** After Salvage  
**Feedback**: Well Duh.

* * *

The list was messily scrawled out on a crumpled piece of paper, with blobs of ink marring the page, a mass of scribbles, cross outs and amendments. Next to it, a crumpled man. He twirled the pen around in his rough fingers and sat there looking despairingly at his list. 

Started relationship with Lilah - doomed from the beginning.  
Good Great sex.  
Built up slight trust.  
Dollar moment.  
Lorne incident - Slight trust gone.  
Broke things off with Lilah.  
Attack at Wolfram and Hart.  
Lilah wounded.  
Saved Lilah.  
Left her in sewers.  
Felt guilty.  
Lilah came back.  
Possibly negotiated with Angelus.  
Lilah ran into sewers (Note: research - How did she run so quickly with a serious stomach wound-Possible Mynrak demon interference?)  
Caught up with Lilah - she has the book.  
Took Lilah back to hotel.  
Left Lilah at hotel.  
Went to find Angelus.  
Realized mistake.  
Back to hotel.  
Worked way upstairs.  
Started checking hallways and rooms.  
Heard sound.  
Looked at Gunn.  
Around the corner.  
See him.  
See her.  
See blood.  
See her.  
See teeth.  
See HER.  
Heart clenches.  
Breath hitches.  
Shouldn't matter didn't love her...

One of Wesley's coping methods, thanks to his astute and self-critical watcher training, was to think through the events leading to the tragedy. So he had made his list as to help him better understand the most serious actions leading to Lilah's death.

Where did he go wrong?  
How might things have gone better?  
Could the situation have played out differently?  
Was he to blame completely or were there outside factors involved?

After careful consideration and deliberation over this series of events he had come to a pretty sound conclusion.

He was the problem, he should have known better - he went wrong by leaving her, and not just at the hotel.

Wesley's Lilah-neglecting skills were of an exceptionally high standard.

* * *

In the last few weeks (he realized that it would be useless to consider every single time in their relationship that he had managed to abandon her in some way shape or form - the evaluation would take entirely too long, and Wesley was, of course, always rational) the first chance he had was in his apartment, after the rain of fire. She had come to him, she was worried, she cared - and yet it was at that moment, when she had let down some of her defences, taken off some of her armour, - that he decided he would take a shot at her. Break off their 'liaison'. His conclusion of that situation was that he was most unreasonable, if not weak. Choosing that moment to confront her (to hurt her really, but he still had difficulty admitting to that one) was like going hunting and shooting something while it was asleep. Most unreasonable indeed! And entirely his fault. Logic would say that it had to be done and the fact that he chose that exact moment to do it was just an unfortunate accident. 

But what if he hadn't done it at all?

And so Wesley had a new list of how he thought he might have acted in that  
scenario -

DON'T break up with Lilah.  
Have lots of kinky sex causing Lilah to stay away from Wolfram and Hart.  
Beast doesn't get her there.  
Lilah gets news of W&H attack.  
Decide to go to the Hotel.  
Warn AI.  
More protection there for Lilah.  
Beast comes for her anyway (he was out to get all W&H employees after all).  
Can't protect her.  
Everyone killed by the Beast in a bloody mess of violence.

So maybe that wouldn't have worked out so well either.

* * *

The second big missed chance was in the sewers. And for Wesley that was a new low. Really what was he thinking? You do not leave people with potentially fatal stomach wounds with demons after them to go for a nice little tour of the sewers. That nice English gentleman he had deep down inside him - but who he had recently managed to suppress, just couldn't leave this one alone. 

Really, it would have been basic politeness to - at the least, - help her out of the sewers or give her some guidance as to the underground way to somewhere vaguely safe. Would It have killed him to offer to fetch her some antiseptic cream? This one was Wesley's big guilt trip. The one that caused the most temple throbbing and jaw twitching. He had his list for alternate universe Wes and Lilah for this one too. This was the one he dreamed about.

Save Lilah.  
DON'T leave Lilah in sewers.  
Knows that beast wants all W&H employees.  
Race to apartments.  
Grab necessities.  
Run.  
Run.  
Run some more.  
End up in some quiet lazy little suburb of somewhere.  
New house.  
New name.  
Live together.  
News from LA - Beast is done.  
Enjoy a life together.

Added at the bottom of the page  
Get married.  
Have a baby, possibly 2 (probably girls)

* * *

Finally there was Wesley's third and final desertion of Lilah. Wherein he made the fatal (for her) mistake of leaving her at the hotel. Her and Cordy. Why did he think they would be safe? 

It was a definite lapse of judgement on his part. He often wonders why Angelus didn't go after Cordelia, surely he would have preferred to hurt her than Lilah. Not that that he was wishing it had been Cordy instead.

Being chased, hunted, she must have been terrified, teeth penetrating her neck, sucking the life out of her...

He knew he had to stop his train of thought there, the last time he had truly sat and imagined what Lilah would have been through he had made himself sick. He knew he should have protected her and didn't. He'd failed her miserably.

Once again, he made another separate list for this turn of events.

DON'T leave Lilah at hotel.  
Come back to hotel.  
Nothing had happened.  
Angelus was there again after finding nobody had been left behind decided to just  
wait for us all.  
Probably kills us all in a shower of bloody mess and violence.

Added Possibility we live.  
Stake Angelus.  
Either  
a) Get killed by The Beast a short while after.  
b) we all live happily ever after.

* * *

And so after evaluating the events Wesley had come to the realization that in 2 out of 3 scenarios, Lilah would have most likely been killed anyway. But he was still to blame. 

After accepting this as much as was possible, the broken man went back to finish his first list, finally having some clarity over things.

See him.  
See her.  
See blood.  
See her.  
See teeth.  
See HER.  
Heart clenches.  
Breath hitches.  
Shouldn't matter didn't love her.

Her Bad me Good

Did love her  
Do love her.

**Miss Her.**

* * *

**Thank you for reading, If you're extra special now you'll review. I always appreciate _creative_ critisism.**


End file.
